


Why You Don't Play with Potions

by Ranowa



Series: Harry Potter AU [7]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Fluff and Crack, Fluff without Plot, Gen, Love Potion/Spell, Love Potions Shenanigans, this is nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-16 07:47:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15432342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ranowa/pseuds/Ranowa
Summary: In order to spur Roy into going after Riza, Hughes gives his best friend a love potion. Disastrous results ensue.





	Why You Don't Play with Potions

**Author's Note:**

> Because we all need an annual reminder of why I do not write romance, fluff, humor, or crack.
> 
> Yeah I don't know where this came from. I'm giving up on my muse being helpful. Thanks to YAJJ for the title :D Enjoy the Hughes and Roy ramblings of my useless muse.

Maes yawned. 

He scratched a doodle on the margin of his notes. 

He scratched out the doodle.

He pushed at his glasses.

He yawned again.

Potions class was boring.

Very boring.

He heard the heavy, dungeons door creak open behind him and left his head on his hand, blinking blearily down at his notes. Probably a latecomer. Most likely the most interesting thing that would happen all period. He scratched out another doodle, this one a little sketch Gracia. He bewitched her to dance with a little under the desk wand wave, then slouched even further onto his hand to watch the stick figure twirl. So she still wouldn’t give him the time of day. She couldn’t stop stick figure Gracia from being his in class girlfriend...

“Ah, Mr. Mustang? Can we help you with something...?”

Maes froze.

Mr. Mustang?

Roy was here?

...uh oh. 

After a moment paralyzed in gut-wrenching terror, Maes buried his face even more firmly in his hand, hunched his shoulders, and decided that if did his best impersonation of a dead body, maybe the irate, angry beast would pass over him, and he’d live another day.

There was only one reason, after all, that Roy would be here.

Although it was odd, some still rational part of his brain piped up, even as the rest of him was cowering in preparation to get hit by some obscene, terrifying hex from behind. What was Roy even doing here? By all rights, he should’ve been licking Riza’s boots still. How had the effects worn off so fast? And, even more importantly, how had Roy pinpointed him as the culprit? It wasn’t as if he’d signed his name...

“Mr. Mustang?” Slughorn asked again, confusion weighing on every syllable. “Can I... do something for you?”

Maes fidgeted in his seat. His skin crawled and itched, his throat scratched with the sudden urge to cough, his hands tapped. Roy was going to kill him. He was going to be hexed into oblivion, and no one would be surprised, because that was what he got for pranking a Slytherin, and he’d thought he’d have until after class was over to run for his life and hide, but Roy had pre-empted that, and he was now _doomed-_

“Maes,” Roy said warmly, and wrapped his arms around him. 

Maes stiffened.

“Maes,” Roy said again, hugging him even tighter. He strengthened the hug, squeezing him like a lifeless rag doll, and snuggled into his back. His neck got a nuzzle, his chest got another squeeze, and his body got another full-body snuggle. “I knew I’d find you here.”

_...um._

_What?_

Just like that, Maes felt all the eyes in the room land on him. He shifted uncomfortably, painfully torn between looking back at them and still reeling in shock, and finally landed on trying to dislodge his very strangely acting friend. “Uh. Okay?” He struggled to look back at him, but Roy was very resistant, hugging him so tight he couldn’t even turn around with risking toppling off his chair. “Roy?” He fidgeted again, face starting to turn hot at all the attention. Was something wrong with him?

“Maes~” Roy practically purred, _purred_ it in his ear, arms winding even tighter around his shoulders as he felt his best friend nuzzle his face into his shoulder. Every eye in the room was now on him, the other Hufflepuffs gaping at the sight of the oddly clingy Slytherin while the Ravenclaws were starting to snicker amongst themselves, and not quietly, either. 

Maes gulped, giving another fruitless try at shrugging him off. Roy’s reputation was already gone, that was for certain, but maybe he could save himself if he played it cool… “U-uh, Mustang-“ He glanced up at Slughorn, who looked just as baffled as the rest of the room. Roy Mustang, who usually glared whenever Maes so much as clapped him on the shoulder, now as clingy as a leech. “Professor, I swear, I have no idea-!“

Had he messed it up somehow? Had he messed up the love potion he’d dosed Roy with? Yeah, he hadn’t exactly been able to test it, but he’d been so careful- he’d followed exactly what the book said, and even gone to the trouble of picking one of the weakest ones just to be careful, not willing to risk hurting his friend for the sake of a joke, and it had looked exactly right, but- what if that was the problem? What if instead of dosing Roy with an awesome prank, he’d _poisoned_ him? 

Anxiety growing in his stomach, Maes gave another hard tug at Roy’s clenched hands, but there was no dislodging him. “Roy, are you okay? Are you-“

“Never~” he purred again, cuddling even closer, “ _better~.”_

This time, the Ravenclaws weren’t the only ones to laugh.

Maes was somewhere between extremely confused and absolutely, criminally embarrassed (his face was so hot it felt like it was on fire) when Slughorn spoke up again, the professor looking just as amused and befuddled as he’d expected. “Mr. Mustang, I’m afraid if you don’t have some actual reason for interrupting my class, you’re going to need to leave.”

Roy gasped, jerking his head up off Maes’ shoulder at last to stare at the professor as if he had said something greatly and deeply offensive. “ _Leave?”_ he repeated, and Maes gave another fruitless shrug, completely failing to get Roy off of him. “Leave?! I’m never leaving! I _love_ him!”

Maes gaped.

The Hufflepuffs gaped.

The Ravenclaws gaped. 

Slughorn raised an eyebrow.

Maes kept on gaping.

And Roy snuggled even closer, hugging him in the tightest hug he’d ever experienced in his life.

In love with him.

Maes’ brain broke. 

“Wha- _what?!”_ With a startled cry he finally wrenched up, wrestling powerfully enough at last to yank himself free. He forgot about the love potion, forgot about the prank, forgot everything except the impossible declaration as he threw himself to freedom, so violently Roy was tossed to the floor to land hard on his backside. “You’re _what now?!”_ he shouted while Roy just blinked up at him from the stones, befuddled. “Are you insane?! You’re not- what the hell… _in love with me?!”_ Equal parts disbelief and shock raced through him in a mind-numbing blow and he stared down at his displaced friend in a speechless, utterly stunned state. His face felt like it was about to catch on fire. “Are you out of your mind, Roy?!”

Yelling at his best friend, however, did not produce the results one might have hoped it would.

The Slytherin blinked. He stared up at him. He blinked again, slow and befuddled.

His lower lip wobbled. 

And then his face crumpled, and his wide, stricken eyes suddenly looked about to burst into tears.

“You...” he mumbled, voice tiny. “...you don’t like me?” He started to reach a hand out for him, but when Maes withdrew, still utterly shocked, just let it drop back down miserably to the floor. He looked like a neglected, kicked puppy. 

Maes would’ve maybe felt a little more guilty for being the one to kick said puppy if Roy wasn’t acting _completely_ out of his mind. 

The rest of the class still sounded like they were borderline hysterical, by this point. A group of somewhat vicious Ravenclaws in the corner were outright laughing at them both with the promise of some truly awful bullying to come later, the small band of Hufflepuffs who dozed through every class was staring with rapt attention, and Maes’ own friends looked like they were about to start heckling any second now. Roy Mustang, well known as Slytherin’s current dark magic king, Roy Mustang, prim and proper little shit, _Roy Mustang_ was sitting down on the floor in front of him with big, pleading eyes and a trembling lower lip and the very picture of a broken heart. 

There was another ring of soft, startled laughter from around the room. Maes flushed brilliantly. 

Roy’s reputation was already doomed. Maes had a bad feeling his own was going to be quick to follow.

Slughorn had come up to stand by his side in the midst of Roy- pretty just making a fool out of himself- and Maes glanced up nervously, still scrambling to try and get some sort of control out of this situation. “Professor, I don’t know what- what’s gotten into him, I’m sorry, I- I’ll-“

“Mr. Hughes?” the potions professor interjected calmly, but there was no mistaking the note of amusement in his warm voice. He leaned down a little, looking into Roy’s eyes very closely for a moment or two- then straightened right back up with one very amused look on his face and turned to face Maes with a steady, knowing grin. “I’m afraid you have just crushed the poor heart and affections of a man whose senses are befuddled with a love potion.”

Maes found himself shaking his head before he’d even really registered it, casting aside the possibility. “No, sir, that’s impossible, he-“

He... _was_ , actually, dosed with a love potion.

Not one meant to create _this_ turn of events, but a love potion all the same.

“U… uh,” Maes stammered. 

The majority of the class burst out laughing. 

In fact, Maes was pretty sure the only one _not_ laughing here was Roy, and that was because Roy was still sitting there on the floor, blinking up at him, and pitifully close to tears. 

The professor, of course, did nothing to dissuade them, instead smiling even broader than before with a knowing sort of look on his face, while Maes just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Oh, god. Roy was dosed with a love potion. Roy was… was _in love_ with him. Oh, _god._

“Am I correct in assuming you might know something about how this happened?” 

Maes’ face warmed underneath Slughorn’s scrutiny, warmed even though it should’ve been impossible to grow any hotter than it already was. Ohhhhh, he’d messed this up _bad._ He swallowed hard, looking between his professor’s assured, mischievous grin and the wide-eyed, nervous form of his best friend, sitting dejectedly on the dungeons floor. 

It was either lie, when the truth was pretty obvious by this point anyway, or admit it, accept his punishment, and hopefully get Roy some help. Because it was starting to seem like he really, desperately needed it.

He nodded again.

Slughorn cleared his throat, patting Maes on the shoulder, then reached down to hoist a blinking Roy to his feet. “Mr. Mustang?” he asked warmly, getting down to his eye level again with amusement only barely stifled underneath the words, amusement that sounded like it was just a second or two of temptation away from bursting into laughter along with the rest of the class. “Would you like to come along with Mr. Hughes to somewhere where you can talk things over?"

Another roll of laughter tittered through the classroom; meanwhile, Maes’s face so burning hot he was probably out to spontaneously combust on the spot. He withered in his seat, stomach twisting, trying not to hear the Ravenclaws and other Hufflepuffs chuckle- but Roy was now looking up at him from the floor with big eyes and his lips still trembling, clearly one big emotional, open wound from Maes’ previous words and begging him for a bandaid. 

“Well, Mr. Hughes?” Slughorn asked, turning to face him with that same very amused twinkle in his eyes. “What do you say?” He leaned a little closer, voice dropping so Roy could no longer hear him- but Maes’ tablemate, whose face was already a bright red of suppressed laughter, could… to Maes’ eternal misery. “You wouldn’t want to break his heart even more than you already did, now, would you?”

Good god, this was the worst day of school _ever._

Maes dutifully fell into step beside the potions master, face still burning hot up to the very tips of his ears now. Roy wasn’t very hard to get to his feet, but it _was_ hard not to just collapse and hide under his desk when Roy immediately moved to cling to his side, staring at him with those big, puppy-like eyes, holding his hand like he was a girl and- _ohhhhhh_ god he had messed _up-!_ Roy was supposed to be doing this in Transfiguration to Riza, where McGonagall would both verbally destroy him could put a stop to it and, more importantly, Maes would’ve had the time to get to safety before Roy tried to kill him, not- god, _fuuuuuck…_

Slughorn directed his seventh-year assistant to take over as he quickly led the way out of the classroom, Maes only barely scrambling to grab his things in time. “Come _on_ ,” he hissed under his breath, trying to shrug Roy off, but it seemed he wasn’t getting free unless he was willing to shove Roy to the floor again, his best friend seeming completely unable to be dislodged. “ _Roy…”_

“You…” his best friend sniffled; Maes wanted to die on the spot. “You said you… you didn’t like… me…”

In-between them, Slughorn now looked busy smiling his face off. “That is what you said, my boy,” he said cheerfully. And _very_ unhelpfully. “That _is_ what you said to him.”

Maes tried very hard not to moan, either at his professor’s grin or at the increasingly needy look on Roy’s face. Goddammit, Slughorn was _NOT_ helping. “No, I- I just said I didn’t _love-“_

Roy blinked at him, all huge-eyed and trembling lips all over again. He tugged harder on Maes’ hand even as he continued to be dragged along behind the professor, staring and all but silent, save for the tiny, pitiable whimpers.

Oh, for god’s _sake._

“I think you’re treading dangerously close to breaking the poor boy’s heart again, Mr. Hughes,’ Slughorn chirped from up front. He sounded like his entire day- his entire _week-_ was being made right this instant.

Maes felt a bit like crying. 

“…Roy,” he groaned finally, looking his best friend right in his miserable eyes. “If I tell you I… that I lo- eugh…” 

“Yes, Mr. Hughes?” Slughorn asked pointedly. Maes was starting to think this was the most amusing moment of the man’s entire _life._ “What are you trying to say?” 

Maes coughed again, struggling with the words- the way they’d grown to become an impossible, insurmountable lump in his throat, the heat in his face, the embarrassment burning in every inch of his body, the way this had all been a terrible mistake he was going to regret for the rest of his life… Week. Whatever. Oh, god. “…if I tell you t-that I…”

Roy’s throat jumped, still clinging onto his hand and staring at him with those impossible, sad _eyes._ His best friend was a goddammed puppy dog. “Maes…?”

“…t-that…”

“Maes?” Roy asked again, tugging on his fingers.

God, what Maes would’ve done to take a picture of the ridiculous look on his face right now.

“…that I… l- …” Maes listened as his own voice dwindled off to become a tiny, pathetic squeak, his heart pounding. How infinitely far away was Slughorn’s office from here? Why wasn’t he walking any faster? Why was Roy still _looking_ at him like that- and why was Maes so pathetically soft-hearted as to fall for it?!

“…love you.”

Roy’s face was immediately split with a smile so bright it just about blinded him.

Then, next second, so was Maes’ spine, when Roy threw himself at him in a bone-breaking hug, and _squeezed_ so tight it knocked all the breath out of him in one bold, brazen blow.

Maes _WANTED TO DIE._

“Here we go, now, in we go,” their professor announced with a wave of his wand- and another hidden smile on his voice, Maes was damn well sure of it. They stood at his office now, with Maes still struggling to both keep on his feet and now maneuver his clingy best friend forwards with Roy now stuck to him like some kind of demented koala. “In we go; I’ll have this all taken care of in a jiffy.”

“C-come on, buddy…” Maes begged, awkwardly patting Roy on the back as he tried to get him inside. “Please? We can sit down just in here, _please_ just come with me…” He could already hear Slughorn working but when he glanced up, it was to see the potions master all but outwardly laughing… an expression Maes was sure he was going to grow very familiar with these next few weeks. Although at this point, he was pretty sure he deserved it. “Come on, Roy…”

Finally, Maes managed to force him into the office, one shuffled step after another. From there it was another awkward sort of tripping journey to get his best friend over to the plush green sofa, and it took feats that were all but Herculean to dislodge Roy from around his middle and limit him to just his arm, which Roy promptly took to squeezing and hugging like there was no tomorrow… but at least Maes could breathe again. He sat down with a weary gasp and looked at Roy again, torn between at least appreciating his beaming, absolutely overjoyed smile, the fact that he didn’t think he had _ever_ seen his best friend this happy- or thunking his head on the armrest so hard he knocked himself out.

Yeah, this hadn’t been how things were supposed to go.

Slughorn glanced over at him again from where he was already searching through his stocks, vials clinking together and ingredients sorting themselves out magically to wait in line for him to use them. “Am I right in assuming you dosed him with the love potion from last month’s class, Mr. Hughes?”

Maes started a little, turning concerned eyes on Roy, but his best friend did not seem to be listening to Slughorn. Or doing anything else but just smiling dreamily at him, content to hug his arm like it was all he’d ever wanted to do in his entire life. Sighing heavily, Maes pushed at his glasses with his free hand and turned sheepishly back to their professor. “Y-yes, sir.”

“Well, five points to your house for brewing it so well, Mr. Hughes.” Slughorn pulled a face for a moment, shifting through the ingredients as if weighing his options, then plucked a vial of something green and particularly nasty looking up to add to his already steaming concoction. “Twenty points from it for brewing it at all.”

“Y-yes, sir…” 

Roy hummed blearily, completely and utterly oblivious, and slouched down to nuzzle his head right into the crook of his neck. He was still smiling so damn hard Maes could feel it right through his robes and shirt and tie. 

After another awkward moment of extreme embarrassment, Maes coughed, trying and failing to squirm a bit away from Roy- he’d never have thought _he’d_ be the one trying for personal space in this friendship, and yet… “I- I wasn’t intending to dose him like _this,_ sir,” he pleaded then, looking at him desperately, although who he was trying to save face for, he just had no idea. But he _had_ to explain. “I thought I’d added Riza’s hair… I _did_ add her hair, I- I don’t know what happened…”

Slughorn smiled again as he continued to mix ingredients. “I’d imagine some of your own hair dropped in after you added- Miss Hawkeye’s?” He shook his head, tsking quietly. “I don’t believe I even need to ask if _she_ was involved in this prank.”

Maes shook his head miserably. “No, sir… she- _quit it,_ Roy!” He squirmed desperately again but to no avail; his friend’s grip was like a magnet and all his attempts at dislodging only got Roy to hang on tighter. “She had nothing to do with it, it was all me… I even told Jean about it, he was supposed to stop Roy if things got out of hand- I guess he wasn’t looking when the idiot just up and walked straight out of class…” He grimaced, pushing at his glasses again. Roy seriously was not going to let him go. “My hair fell in after Riza’s…?”

“It sounds as if it did. What- did you think the _only_ reason I tell you all to tie your hair back is so it doesn’t get set on fire?” Slughorn sent him another knowing sort of look as he raised a cup of the brewing potion to eye level, swirling it a little to check for god knew what. “Seems as if you either need to invest in a hair tie or a barber, Mr. Hughes.”

And, just when he’d thought this day couldn’t get any more embarrassing… there it was. The absolute final nail in the coffin.

One glance down at himself confirmed Slughorn was right. His shoulders were pretty much perpetually dusted with small, dark hairs, and his bumblebee tie always seemed to be needed to beaten against his bed every night to dislodge the hairs that clung to it like dust. _Every_ night. Even Roy, he figured, had to dust his shoulders off every couple of days just due to proximity alone. Maes’ face warmed again, as if the blush had ever even started to fade away, and he slumped down a little more on the couch, wanting to disappear.

It wasn’t as if he could _help_ shedding like a wolf…

“I love your hair,” Roy piped up, extraordinarily unhelpfully. One handed reached up to pull at the disobedient cowlick that could never be tamed, then buried happily right on top of his head, mussing it to all ruin. “I love your hair just like I love you!”

Maes was pretty sure he now looked like he wanted to die as much as he felt it. 

At last, their potions professor rounded his desk again, something bright red and gently misting simmering in a crystal glass; not a moment too soon. He held it out to Roy, and by this point, Maes wasn’t even surprised why Roy paid the glass no mind, instead continuing to just nuzzle into the crook of his neck. _God._ “H-hey, come on, buddy,” he cajoled, first gently trying to shove him off and then prying his fingers away, one by one, because Roy just would _not_ be dislodged. Seemed as if Roy had just upset Maes’ title for Most Likely to Suffocate You With a Hug… “Roy, look, it’s a- u-um- it’s a-… it’s a something you really gotta drink right now, Roy, okay? Please? Right right now?”

Roy hummed contentedly again, still grabbing onto Maes’ arm. He didn’t even pay a single glance in Slughorn’s direction.

“Roy?” Slughorn asked, leaning down a little to proffer the glass again. “Can you do it for Maes?” 

Ohhhhh hell. No. _Why._ Why, why, _why._ He wanted to die and wake up anywhere but this twisted, embarrassing, mess of a romance novel. Ohhhh god _why?_ Maes didn’t need a mirror to know he was bright red from the tips of his ears at _least_ the bottom of his neck and right now was honestly fully ready to face Riza and Roy’s wrath if it would just _end this_ , because he really couldn’t take anymore of this lovestruck, lovesick _puppy-_

“Okay!” Roy cried, and Maes could not help but let out a little whimper aloud. 

This really would’ve all been so much funnier if he could’ve watched Roy act this way to Riza instead of having to endure it himself. 

His best friend reached immediately for the glass, taking it to tilt it back and swallow it all down in one quick gulp, all smiles and all joy. Then he leaned back, a dash of red still on his lips as he handed the glass back then turned to Maes, evidently waiting for his approval.

The seconds ticked by.

The change was slow, visible, and all but nauseating. To watch someone trip straight from cloud nine all the way down to some muddy pit at the bottom of the Black Lake- and Maes saw every inch of his fall displayed right there on Roy’s face. First to go was the dancing, joyful light in his eyes. A slow, dark dimming that took him from blinking and dazed to wide-eyed, blank, and horrified. Then it was his dumb, dreamy smile slipping and sliding away, draining like the blood from his face until a slack, agape gasp. Next was the hugged grip around his arm, his fists gradually loosening like Roy had just lost the energy to keep it up anymore.

It was all one slow, visible shudder from infatuated to horrified. Would’ve been funny, if it wasn’t so coldly terrifying.

“…Roy?” Maes tested after several seconds, staring worriedly at his still as a rock, glaring into space best friend. “You okay…?”

A dark pallor swept over Roy’s pale face. His mouth tightened, going almost dangerously thin. 

“Hughes,” he said slowly.

And, now was about the time when Maes thought it’d be a good idea to start running.

“…Yeah?” he asked again, starting to pull away onto to suddenly be yanked to a stop. That grip on his arm was back, and abruptly too tight for comfort, _bone-bruisingly_ tight and fingernails that dug so deep his robes nearly tore. The fist twisted angrily when Maes tried to pull back a second time, Roy still glaring coldly into space, eyes flashing and mouth twitching, and suddenly Maes dearly, dearly wanted to get as far away as possible, before Roy remembered he had a wand.

“Feeling better, Mr. Mustang?” Slughorn offered from a few steps back, back where it was _safe._ Maes glared at him, because the professor was both impossibly too cheerful for what this situation should’ve allowed and was making no move to help him escape from Roy’s growing wrath. 

His friend blinked once, only barely sort of fixating on his professor, pale face still unreadable, fingernails still digging hard into his arm. “I- …thank you, sir. I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused, it… _really_ was not my intention.”

If looks could kill, Maes knew, the glare Roy sent him then would’ve killed him a hundred times alone.

“Oh, it’s no trouble, Mr. Mustang,” the professor chuckled, for some reason seeming to be ignoring the attempted murder that was about to take place in his office. “You’re not the first student I’ve had to help off a love potion before. Or the first one I’ve seen who ended up infatuated with the wrong target.” He paused, tapping his finger to his chin. “You might be the first to have interrupted my class doing so, though… well, no matter about that now. Think you might make the trip to the hospital wing now, son?”

Roy’s mouth twitched again, dark eyes blazing in an impossibly pale face and Maes _really_ wanted to squirm away from him now. “Thank you, sir,” he said stiffly again, gripping even _tighter- ow ow ow-_ “but I don’t think I’ll be the one needing Madam Pomfrey.” 

Maes finally managed to wrench away just as Slughorn withdrew, scrambling backwards while Roy continued to just sit there glaring daggers, tense and coiled like a snake about to strike. Nope, nope, this was bad, he definitely preferred cuddly Roy to this, he’d take an embarrassing hug over probably being cursed to death any day- oh, hell, Roy looked _mad-_

Roy stood slowly, still looking particularly liked a tensed spring about to strike as he just _stared_ at Maes, clearly far more in the mood to tackle than to hug. Maes, inching back another nervous step, wondered if Slughorn would make a decent body shield.

His best friend closed eyes for a moment, dusting himself off in the way only he could, like he was about to commit murder but had to ensure he’d look stylish while he did it. Then he fixed his deadly stare on Maes again, the cold anger belied by the scarlet heat slowly rising in his cheek, and for a moment Maes wasn’t sure if he was about to get tackled or screamed at.

“I’m going to let Riza kill you,” Roy announced at last. He looked no less enraged, despite any such pronouncements that he was going to be holding off on his revenge until he could share it. “I’ll handle desecrating the body.” 

Maes gulped.

Riza…

…

Yeah. Roy was right. He was really, _really_ dead.

“And then,” Roy hissed, starting to advance, cold facade wavering as his own indignant embarrassment started to build, voice rising into a tirade that was so much closer to his best friend that he knew and loved- oh, _hell-_ “I’m going to kill you _again,_ because you made me _hug you_ in front of an entire _class,_ and _then,_ I’m going to kill you a _third time,_ because you’re an _asshole,_ and I-“

Roy stopped abruptly, heating up anger suddenly transformed into a blank stare at the drop of a hat. He blinked, a vague sort of panic coming to his eyes, then pressed a hand to his stomach. 

“…Professor?” he asked weakly. “Did… did I hear you say something about me swallowing Hughes’ _hair?”_

Slughorn was really enjoying this way too much, Maes thought, glancing nervously between the still beaming professor before turning back to his friend with a look of concern. “Yes,” Slughorn said, “yes, Mr. Mustang, you did.”

Roy blinked again. 

“…Can I change my mind about that hospital wing?” he said after several moments, previously pale features now fading to an almost curious shade of faint green.

Then, he proceeded to throw up all over Maes’ shoes.

* * *

  **Fourteen years later**

* * *

“And that,” Roy finished with a flourish, waving his gloved hand out as dramatically as he knew how, “is the reason why I know how to treat lovesick students. It’s also the reason why you should never, ever use a love potion, no matter how humorous you find your original intentions, an example of the reason why love potions are not allowed at this school- and it is the reason why, instead of teasing Mr. Elric here, I expect you all to question Professor Hughes about this incident so much next Charms period he half tears his hair out in frustration.” He paused for a moment, allowing himself to relax in a wolfish sort of grin. “Any questions?”

By this point, his class was so hopelessly lost to barely restrained snickers and gasped chuckles of amusement, none of them would’ve been able to get out any coherent questions if they’d even tried.

Roy smirked quietly to himself again.

Mission accomplished. 

He figured the second half of that story, that Maes had then proceeded to be unable to get his dream girl, Gracia, to so much as consider a date for the next three years, because she had witnessed the spectacle and come to the conclusion that Hughes was uninterested, spoken for, and, more importantly, a lunatic, was unnecessary. 

For now. 

He’d go on to tell stories about the Charms professor and his wife if Maes decided to tease him about this again, though…

“And,” he went on, a little more quietly, now, as he pushed away from his desk, moving instead to kneel next to where Ed was currently groaning, sprawled on a conjured couch and looking as if he wanted to be just about anywhere but here. “This is also why you should’ve listened to me, and never accepted a drink from anyone you know to be an untrustworthy, incurably dangerous prankster.” 

Ed moaned quietly, burying his sallow face into the crook of his arm, and the rest of the room laughed again along with him.

There was a remnant of a healed lump on Ed’s forehead, courtesy of one very stunned Winry Rockbell. Considering the miserable look on his face, the teen felt no better now than he had twenty minutes ago, when his attempt to kiss Winry had been melt directly by an elbow to the gut.

Ling Yao had hit the ground not a second later, holding his sides as he fought for breath from peals of laughter, leaving absolutely no doubt about who was responsible for this.

“…Professor?” Ed groaned after several seconds, squinting his eyes open. He winced at the light and blinking pitifully up at Roy, looking rather like a sad puppy that just needed a hug. 

Roy couldn’t help a weak grin. He settled himself a little more comfortably onto the floor beside him- because there was no more teaching class this period, no matter what- and reached out a hand to gently pat his head for a moment. “Yes, Ed?” 

“If you got to throw up on Hughes… can I throw up on Ling?”


End file.
